need an escape ASAP

I have a joke, but I don’t know how to tell it.

Sighs.

Photo by Claudio Schwarz on Unsplash

How do you know you’re living your best life? You see, I honestly think if you’re living your best life, you’ll know. Right?

But then… what does living my best life even mean?

I’ll be honest with you, I know what it would mean for me. I’ve seen the picture. But in a way, I’m just trying to avoid it. And if you ask me why, I probably wouldn’t want to say.

Here’s a hint though: maybe these days it’s just easier to think about how people would see me rather than how I see myself.

How I found myself here is not the question. The real question is: am I getting out?

Recently, someone I know made a drastic decision about her life. At first, I thought, “ah, why would she even do that, it’s not appropriate, xyz.” But then I realized that I’m doing it too. Trying to box someone into a narrative that fits my idea of how a good person should behave.

Life has been slow and fast, with too many things happening all at once. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever keep up.

Even though I’ve come to realize that the only thing real is right now and everything else is just an illusion, I still can’t rest.

I have to aspire to something.

I have to give back.

I have to pick up my responsibilities.

I have to be there when I’m needed.

Even when I know tomorrow isn’t promised, I have to work for a better tomorrow. But here’s the thing, I don’t even know if I’m chasing the “better tomorrow” I want, or the one people expect me to want.

Sometimes I envy people who move and do things freely, without overthinking, without waiting for permission. People who just live. It looks reckless on the outside, but maybe that’s what living their best lives feel like.

The dream is scary and it feels as if I am deliberately dancing in my comfort zone without the desire to step out of it. I am scared that if I step fully into what I want, I’ll lose the approval I’ve clung to for so long. Afraid that people will call me selfish, or irresponsible, or worse, that they won’t even notice nor give a damn! So maybe for me, the fear is not failing, it is something else.

Thinking about the essence of this thing called life hurts my head. Sometimes I just want an escape, something to shush all the thoughts, the worries, the anxieties.

So tell me, what’s your escape?